How to use your social circle to succeed
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“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
I struggled with putting the quote above at the beginning of this blog. I've lost count how many times I've typed in the quote then went to remove it. There were two reasons why I struggled. Firstly, I thought the quote was so concise and spot on that there would be no point in you reading the rest of the blog. But importantly, the quote carried such a strong element of fundamental truth to it (both at work and in life) that it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was forced to confront it. Why should you continue to read this blog post? Because I actually read this quote some months back and have been spending the last few months trying to put it into practice. Now I've finally come to some actionable insights that would be worth sharing. You are the average of the five people you spend your time with. Does it sound strangely like the quote below?
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong f*cking room”
As blunt and direct as the two quotes are, you know that they're true. The quotes are confronting because you know that this is exactly one of the key areas that you need to change. BUT, this will also be one of the hardest areas to change. I know, I've spent the last three months trying to change. It first started with my blog post back in July titled "Don't be the smartest person in the room". To put the quote into practice, I started to audit my day to day work interactions. It wasn't long before it was clear that I'm spending more time in situations where I was comfortable, where I WAS the smartest or at lease the most experienced person in the room. Yes, I was driving towards the outcome and delivering but the only people who saw it were peers - the majority of whom when faced with the reality of office politics were never going to give me credit for the fact that I had led the initiative, customers - who would give me praise but most likely than not wouldn't go out of their way to sing my praises to key decision-makers, and staff from other teams - who loved the opportunity to learn and be exposed to me.
The reality was, I loved the attention, and loved being "the man" who got stuff done. BUT I wasn't growing or learning or being challenged. So I took steps to make sure I balanced out my interactions. An important thing to realize as you make changes is that self improvement isn't about a sudden and dramatic shift. You have to make changes that are aligned with your values and personality. If you don't do this, you will fail spectacularly. Don't fall for phrases such as "take massive action" or "crush it". If it's not in your personality to do such things then you can't sustain the changes or worse, you end up becoming the office jerk. The very person you are trying to defeat.
Realizing that I did not have enough exposure to other high performers, and decision-makers, I went ahead and setup regular sessions with those who I felt I could learn from or benefit from being exposed to. Each session was no more than 30 minutes. I prepared for each session by thinking about what insights I have that would be beneficial to them, and what specific character trait they had that I wanted to learn. There's no point having these sessions if you're just going to walk away in awe but not have a clue why you're in awe. For me, some of the characteristics I wanted to learn were, body language that projects presence (how did they position their hands/arms), language (what words did they use and the intonation in their voice to emphasize certain points), and finally way of thinking (what are the different factors they considered that I don't normally think so). That last one was interesting. For one of the decision-makers, after just two sessions, I realized that all of their actions/emails/phone calls were deliberate with a definite intent in mind. If I called person X about topic A, they'd speak with person Y about it, who will then question person D, who will need to come back to me and get my support. Therefore, I now have leverage over person D. The scary thing was, person D probably has no idea how or why he ended up in this position. This was wrapped up by "If I position my support for person D as a favor, he now owes me political capital". And with that one action, political capital was created out of nothing. When I realizes what was happening, I was intrigued. I thought such things only happened in TV shows like House of Cards. I didn't realize the extent to which it was happening right in front of me!
Another thing I learnt was how open senior people are to help you if you're just honest and up front with that you're after. For one of the C-suite I approached, I just couldn't think of any insights that were useful to him. So I brought him some half hearted data, which he could see right through. Sensing I was failing miserably, I changed tact and just told him that I recognized I need to grow and I want to learn from those who have succeeded by seeing what they do and try to adopt it. The impact of just that one sentence as almost immediate. His eyes lit up, he spoke with passion about his experiences, and our 30 minute session went for 90 minutes. So how did I get the most out of the situation? I started talking through with him certain situations that I was facing and how I'm thinking of dealing with it. He'd then challenge me and provide alternatives. I don't have to agree with everything he says but at least I now have an alternate source of reference. But importantly, not only does he now know who I am, he also knows how I think, and over time my traits and ambitions. Where does this lead? Next time an opportunity comes up in his area of influence, if I say to him that I'm interested, I now have more of chance that he'd recommend me.
To make time for these new meetings, I needed to free up my diary. So I started being very deliberate about which meetings I accepted and which ones I should delegate to my team or to peers. I've also received feedback from previous bosses who said that I was a perfectionist and a control freak. I've never understood that until this point. I wanted to attend every meeting, not because I like being the smartest person the room but I also wanted the outcome to be what I wanted and "how" I wanted. I used to delegate meetings to my Managers and still turn up myself. They'd often look at me when I walked going thinking "what is he doing?". By delegating the benefits become two fold. I now have capacity to be exposed to other people and my team is also now exposed to other people. Sure, some of them might fail, or a situation might need to be rescued, but that is how you learn.
Since starting in July, a scan of my diary reveals that 25% of each week is now booked with new people. And I've learnt so much just from some short conversations. Ideally, I'd like it to get to 40% but one step at a time.
But there is also another element to be addressed, which is out of work. I am now reviewing my social circle and applying the same lens. Sadly, the same conclusion was reached. I have the same social circle as when I was in high school. Sure, I picked up some new friends along the way but in the main, it was the same groups of friends I hang around with. And we are all alike. To varying degrees, we are all introverts, most of us are shy deep thinkers, most of us have families, and most of us have stable jobs. We all feel like we're in the same rut yet none of us dare rock the boat. One of my friends is just waiting for a redundancy pay out. As funny as it sounds, think about how demotivating it must be for him to rock up to work every morning. I love my friends dearly and would do anything for them (I know some of them read MyCorporateDiary religiously) but we're too similar for any of us to be challenged and grow. The scary question in my head is, if my groups of friends hasn't changed since school, does it mean that I as a person hasn't grown since then? I think you all know the answer is yes.
Once again, I'm going to use my brother in law (who is on the opposite end of the shy introvert spectrum) as a reference point. He picks up new friends, almost on a monthly basis. His friends range in age from early 20s to retirees, from IT nerds and mechanics to Board members. He meets these people as a dentist and instead of just seeing them as patients (and $$ signs) he also makes friends with them. His personal trainer is now his friend. His group of friends is so diverse that he can draw on them for almost any aspect of his life. From fixing IT issues, to deciding how to grow his business, to getting great deals on electronic gadgets.
So for all of us, that is the next step to take. Once you've balanced out your interactions at work, you also need to conduct an audit of your friendship circle. Keep your friends, you need them for support and to relax with. But start to expand the diversity of your friendship circle. If you want to grow personally, you need new friends with different personalities and backgrounds. You need them to challenge you so that you can see the alternatives instead of being stuck in the same mindset. I'm going to start trialing different ways to meet new people and see how to make new friends as an adult. I'll report back to let you know how I go.
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